We live in an apartment in which all the rooms open directly onto one long hallway. The other day I was cleaning the guest bathroom while Bean played nearby in the kitchen.

I heard his pants swish against the hardwood floors as they do when he crawls so I looked out to see where he was going. He glanced up and down the hall, evidently looking for me but not seeing my head poking out from the bathroom. After listening for me for a minute, off he went, swishing down the hall toward the living room and away from me.

At first I was going to call out to him to let him know where I was, but I stopped myself. He was not agitated, just curiously exploring so I remained silent, though watchful.

Eventually he had checked all the rooms along the way and reached the last one – the living room – and still no Mama. He paused again, head cocked uncertainly. Then he crawled into the room, out of sight. I walked down the hall to to see what he was doing.

He flung himself down on his favorite floor cushions a few times, screeching gleefully. Then he crawled to the window seat which doubles as his book/toy shelf, selected a boardbook, sat down on the floor, and began to flip through it, completely absorbed.

I watched him with a mix of emotions. On the one hand, I was immensely proud of his self-sufficiency and confidence. On the other, it was surreal and bittersweet to glimpse a private moment in his toddler life, one that is usually contingent upon me. He is so small that he often feels like a physical part of me still. But – if I do my job right – as he grows up into a young boy, the development of this life away from and independent of me will only quicken and deepen.

As a SAHM I treasure my time with Bean. But there are moments when I am bored of playing baby games, exhausted and wishing I could catch up on sleep, or missing my own private time. Watching his secret, interior life unfold before me that day, I was reminded that the baby games will end, I will sleep again, and I will have my space – soon enough.

Advertisement