The poetics of space (& time)

Before Bean was born, I complained of a lack of time, but really it was a lack of will and initiative. Now, with a nearly 5-month-old son, the days slip by like the minutes used to. I‘m a proudly efficient whirlwind, compressing more into the 30 minutes of his naptime than I used to get done in a full day before he arrived.

I am in Portland on business for a few days, my first time away from Bean for more than a couple of hours. Without Basil’s amazing support I would not have been able to walk out the door this morning to catch my flight. I wept upon leaving my smiling, cooing, grasping angel, but once I landed here I felt something I had not felt in months – freedom.

I love being a full-time mama. But being here gives me the space and time to reflect and develop some perspective on the last 5 months that is impossible to do when I am running from poopie diapers to spit-up to bath time to pumping to naptime and on and on and on, day in, & day out.

I indulged my bibliomania at Powell’s city-block long bookstore, reveling in the feel and sight of walls lined tall and deep with books. After an hour there, browsing aimlessly among long aisles and vast, color-coded rooms, I felt something tightly wound slowly uncoiling within me, my breathing deepening, my stomach relaxing for the first time in months.

No longer was I listening for a baby’s cry, no longer tensed to leap into action. Instead, I began to settle into the silence, the aroma of books, & the sweetness of unfettered time.

I limited myself to purchasing 3 books to stuff into my carry-on on Saturday. I found myself holding and caressing them like jewels after I left the bookstore. I have unread books at home still but these are special – symbols of my precious and rare time alone; my need for solitude; my need to think and breathe uninterrupted.

Tonight I will eat chocolate truffles and stretch out on a king-size bed all to myself. And I will not feel guilty.

Instead, I will recognize what Basil ＆ Marcella told me awhile ago – a little me-time will make me better (& happier) in every way: self, wife, mama, & human.