I came across this yesterday and though it’s anonymous, the words are a valuable reminder for me as I struggle with growing frustration with my state of health this year.

I started the year with a resolution that 2008 would be my year to “Be Strong,” especially physically. Free weights, healthy eating, challenging walks were all to be part of my daily routine and were to run concurrently with spiritual, emotional and mental striving for excellence.

Soon after the new year though, a stress fracture sidelined me for months, during which time I had two severe bouts of the flu along with increasing lower back pain due to my scoliosis and a degenerating disc.

Now, eleven weeks after my initial stress fracture diagnosis, my foot continues to swell daily. Today, I went to an orthopedist for a second opinion and he says I never had a stress fracture in the first place.

Now I’m due for another round of testing to figure out what is causing the inflammation, but I can’t help feeling angry and deeply frustrated at being off of my feet for so long unnecessarily, having lost muscle strength and gained weight from the prescribed lack of exercise, all without resolving the issue.

So yes, I planned to take care of myself and to be as healthy as possible this year. But it’s at moments like these that I realize how little is in my control. Alhamdolillah, I know that I’m in good Hands and that all of this is for the best…but right now I’m ready to cry with frustration.

My nieces and nephew are arriving from Pakistan on the 2nd insha-Allah. I haven’t seen them in almost two years and I really wanted to be an active Khala and part of their lives during the short period they are visiting for. The disappointment is overwhelming.

Honestly, I’m really tired of my body. More and more it seems like a cage. Every single day I have to make sure I eat right, rest enough, and exercise or I run the risk of becoming symptomatic. Heck, sometimes I do all that and still get symptomatic.

As much as I appreciate my health for the blessing it truly is, because I know what it is to lose it and never fully regain it, I really miss those days that many of the people around me and many of you have, masha-Allah, which is the privilege to not to think about one’s perfectly performing body at all if one wishes not to.

Some people rise to the challenge of disabilities by climbing Everest, excelling in sports or displaying other feats of physical prowess. My nature is such that when it overwhelms me, all I want to do is crawl into bed and turn out the lights. Thinking of the future, always sick, appalls me.

Insha-Allah pray for my peace of heart and strength to get through what often feels like my body breaking apart in slow motion as I stand by and watch it helplessly. Bodies are our homes and dis-ease is a form of homelessness, a feeling of never being able to settle down in comfort in this world.

Perhaps that, too, is part of the plan.

I hope you find something of value in this poem, as I did.

—

Allah’s Plan

Some things are beyond planning.
And life doesn’t always turn out as planned.
You don’t plan for a broken heart.
You don’t plan for an autistic child.
You don’t plan for spinsterhood.
You don’t plan for a lump in your breast.

You plan to be young forever.
You plan to climb the corporate ladder.
You plan to be rich and powerful.
You plan to be acclaimed and successful.
You plan to conquer the universe.
You plan to fall in love – and be loved forever.

You don’t plan to be sad.
You don’t plan to be hurt.
You don’t plan to be broke.
You don’t plan to be betrayed.
You don’t plan to be alone in this world

You plan to be happy.
You don’t plan to be shattered.

Sometimes if you work hard enough, you can get what you want.
But MOST times, what you want and what you get are two different things.

We, mortals, plan. But so does Allah in the heavens.
Sometimes, it is difficult to understand Allah’s plans especially when His plans are not in consonance with ours.

Often, when He sends us crisis, we turn to Him in anger.
True, we cannot choose what Allah wishes us to carry, but we can carry it with courage knowing that He will never abandon us nor send something we cannot cope with.

Sometimes, Allah breaks our spirit to save our soul.
Sometimes, He breaks our heart to make us whole.
Sometimes, He allows pain so we can be stronger.
Sometimes, Allah sends us failure so we can be humble.
Sometimes, He allows illness so we can take better care of ourselves.

And sometimes, Allah takes everything away from us so we can learn the value of everything He gave us.

Make plans, but understand that we live by Allah’s grace

[HT: Islam at Heart]