As the month of Dhul Hijjah begins this evening, I’ve been reflecting on the Hajj (pilgrimage to Makkah), which a dear friend is undertaking this year.

As a person who has performed Umrah (the lesser pilgrimage) but may not be able to perform Hajj due to health complications, I am experiencing a longing to physically stand at His door that may never be quenched during my lifetime.

And yet, this year I have an opportunity to follow along spiritually with my pilgrim friend on her journey, to trace her steps, to know that in her pocket - and in her heart - she carries a letter from me to the Beloved.

One of the many beautiful aspects of Islam is that He is available and close to us at every moment, but there is something deeply moving about knowing that my dua will be unfolded and read there among the millions who call upon the Eternally Besought of all in love and need.

Sima e-mailed to ask for my dua to carry with her on Hajj, saying:

As I prepare for the Hajj, I know that I am taking a part of you with me. My belief in [the gift of prayer] was recently strengthened after asking a couple of close friends and family if they had any special messages they would like me to carry to the Kaba. I initially hesitated, because as I mentioned earlier, I know it is enough to carry a person in your heart and to ask Allah to answer his/her prayers.

But I asked anyway, and the responses moved me deeply. Some asked me to pray for others who had carried them through their lives and strengthened their faith. Yet another friend appealed for me to pray for all our leaders and to guide the emerging young Arab generation towards a brighter future. Another beautiful soul, requested that I ask our Lord to take her while in prostration/prayer and to unite us all in heaven…

I cannot express to you how moved I was to receive these prayers. Or how honored I am to have heard them. How humble I feel to have to carry them… and I pray to do these prayers justice. But most of all, to be honest, how grateful I am - for I have learned many beautiful prayers that are preparing me, softening and opening my heart, for this journey.

Initially, I was just going to ask her to pray for my forgiveness, health, guidance and grace as I generally do of people going on Hajj. But her e-mail got me thinking about authentic prayer and the lack of it in my life.

So many times during prayer and afterwards when I lift up my hands for personal reflection, I’m on auto-pilot, running through a list of formulaic duas with an eye on the next chore I have to attend to. Is it any surprise then that I often feel distant from Him?

If I myself am not present in my prayers, then how can I feel His presence?

So today, I took the time to write out a prayer. Words come easier to me on paper than in speech and I let the words pour out without my critical, editorial cap on:

Most Merciful, Most Beloved and Most Loving One -

Please grant peace and blessings to all the messengers and their followers and to our Prophet, and his family and his followers of beauty and excellence until the Day of Judgment - and grant that my loved ones and I are numbered among them by Your grace and mercy.

Most Beloved One, make me a follower of the Qur’an as long as I have life. Make me dust on the path of Muhammad, the chosen one, dust that may kiss his beloved feet. Grant me Your Face, Your Presence and Your Hand, the hold that never breaks, in this life, in my death, in the grave and in the afterlife.

I am in need of Your forgiveness: I have wronged myself and others so many times through sloth, anger, self-righteousness, impatience and lack of empathy. Often, the characteristics that irritate me most in other people are found within myself. Please help me to learn from these experiences and be a better, gentler person.

Please forgive me and my husband and our parents and our sisters, their husbands and children. Sometimes family members are the hardest people to understand, so help us embrace each other in this world and unite us in heaven.

Grant me, my Ummah and all believers Your guidance, favor, peace, light, and love. Grant my Ummah the qualities of mercy, patience, wisdom, and dignity because, as You can see, we really, really need them.

Grant also, please, that my husband and I will one day walk around Your house as Your guests as our beloved Sima does today - and please perfect and accept her Hajj and that of everyone else there.

Most Merciful Lord, please grant me health, clarity and closeness to You and Your loved ones in this life and in the afterlife. The doctors tell me I may have neither health nor children but You’re the One in control, so please grant me full healing and a righteous, healthy child, my Sweet One.

Please strengthen, increase, and protect my love, iman, islam and ihsan every day of my life. Make my heart vast enough to love You and Your creation, especially the obnoxious people who often ride the bus with me, the select homeless people who make me uncomfortable and the vast majority of American teens who can’t speak English without the use of profanity or a million “likes” and often have pants that are falling off and revealing far more than I care to see of their underwear. You love each and every one of us more than 70 mothers and created each minute detail of our souls, minds and bodies with love and purpose. I am really trying to keep that in mind as I walk the sometimes strange streets of San Francisco every day.

Speaking of difficult people, please help me love and forgive my sister-in-law because You know I still have trouble with that one after six years.

May I see your beauty everywhere I turn and be grateful for the countless blessings that You’ve granted me. Please fill my heart with longing for You that is answered by Your palpable and dear presence. And when I come to die, may my legacy be found singing in the hearts of those beloved to You.

Forgive me, Sweetest, Most Beloved and Forgiving One - and please cherish and hold me always in the Palm of Your Hand, ameen.

As I wrote, I found myself weeping. What started as a formal prayer eased itself into something far more intimate. It had been so long since I said anything real to God, anything even vaguely authentic or personal. Afterwards, I felt His peace and closeness, His listeningness, for lack of a better word, and it carried me through the day.

During the next ten days I want to try to pray with love and attention, to lift up my hands in silence for as long as it takes to say even one sentence of true longing and need, desire and reflection - to cultivate authentic prayer and closeness.

It’s easy for me to complain of distance, and I know that spiritual cycles of closeness and distance to God are natural, but I’m keeping Rumi’s words in mind and trying to break down habits that may prevent Love from entering:

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

My barrier has often been inattention and spiritual sloth, and I hope to change that over time, insha-Allah.

If you wish, please share what your authentic prayer sounds like today, what you would wish to say or have read out on your behalf at the door of the Beloved.

Wishing you all a blessed Dhul Hijjah!

—

Dhul Hijjah Resources:

Sunni Sister has excellent, extensive resources on the month and From Clay also writes about this period in “Time and Altitude: Perch of Revelation”:

“[The Prophet's] miracle, as Muslims rightly point out, was not his birth nor his passing, but what he left behind. It is the splitting of the sea, the cooling of fire, the raising of the dead, and the healing of the leper and the blind: but for the sake of brevity, we call it the Quran.”

I also received a compilation on Dhul Hijjah (from: “Ten Days Allah Swore By: The First Ten Days of Dhul Hijjah “) from RD commenter SKarim:

In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful and Compassionate

The first ten days of Dhu’l Hijjah are blessed days: Allah Most High Himself swore by them in the Qur’an:

“By the Dawn,/and the Ten Nights…”

[Qur'an, Surat al-Fajr, 89.1-2]

The commentators generally concur that the ten nights refers to, ‘the first ten days of Dhu’l Hijjah,’ as one may find in Shaykh al-Islam Abu Su`ud’s Irshad al-`Aql al-Salim ila Mazaya al-Qur’an al-Karim [famous as Tafsir Abi al-Su`ud, 9.153] or in Tafsir al-Jalalayn.

Imam Ahmad and Nasa’i report from the Mother of Believers, Sayyida Hafsa (Allah be pleased with her) that, “The Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace be upon him) did not leave three matters: Fasting `Ashura [10th of Muharram], [during] the ten days [of Dhu'l Hijja], and three days of each month.”

1. Fasting the First Nine Days, Especially the Day of `Arafah (9th)

The scholars concur that it is recommended to fast during the first nine days of Dhu’l Hijja. (The tenth day is the day of Eid, and is prohibitively disliked and sinful to fast this day.)

Of these, it is particularly recommended to fast the Day of `Arafah [9th of Dhu'l Hijjah]. This is because of the numerous hadiths that have come in praise of this day in particular and fasting in it. Among these is:

Abu Qatada (Allah be pleased with him) related that the Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace be upon him, his family, and companions) said, “Fasting the Day of `Arafah [9th of Dhu'l Hijjah] expiates for two years, one prior and one forthcoming. And fasting the Day of `Ashura [10 th of Muharram] expiates for the past year.” [Reported by Muslim, Abu Dawud, Nasa'i, and Ibn Majah]

2. Increasing One’s Spiritual Works During these Ten Days

Similarly, it is recommended to busy oneself these days with worship of Allah. Imam Sharaf al-Din al-Hijjawi, the great Hanbali faqih, states in his primary text, al-Iqna`,:

“It is recommend to exert oneself in good works during the first ten days of Dhu’l Hijjah, such as remembrance of Allah (dhikr), fasting, charity, and other righteous actions, because they are the best of days.” [Buhuti, Kashshaf al-Qina`, 2.60]

Many scholars even stated that daytimes of these ten days are more virtuous than the ten daytimes of the last ten days of Ramadan, because of the strength of the primary texts related to them.

3. Spending the Nights of These Days In Prayer and Worship

It is especially recommended to spend some part of each of the nights of these ten days in prayer and worship.

This was deduced by clear primary texts, such as Prophet’s words (Allah bless him and give him peace) that, “There are no days in which good works are more beloved to Allah than these days – meaning the first ten days of Dhu’l Hijjah.” The Companions asked, ‘Not even jihad in the path of Allah, O Messenger of Allah?’ He said (Allah bless him & give him peace), “Not even jihad in the path of Allah, except for the one who goes forth with his person and wealth and does not return with any of it.” [Bukhari and others]