Zhang Ziyi as Jen Yu

Last night, I dreamt I went to Manderley again. It seemed to me I stood by the iron gate leading to the drive, and for a while I could not enter for the way was barred to me. Then, like all dreamers, I was possessed of a sudden with supernatural powers and passed like a spirit through the barrier before me. The drive wound away in front of me, twisting and turning as it had always done…

And finally, there was Manderley – Manderley – secretive and silent. Time could not mar the perfect symmetry of those walls. Moonlight can play odd tricks upon the fancy, and suddenly it seemed to me that light came from the windows. And then a cloud came upon the moon and hovered an instant like a dark hand before a face. The illusion went with it. I looked upon a desolate shell, with no whisper of a past about its staring walls. We can never go back to Manderley again. That much is certain. But sometimes, in my dreams, I do go back to the strange days of my life which began for me in the south of France…

- ‘Rebecca’, Daphne du Maurier

Rebecca is a wonderful film, in which Laurence Olivier first showed me what great acting could be. The opening words are haunting, and I felt them ring in my ears this morning upon waking.

For the strange thing about debilitation is, eventually it starts effecting your dreams. As if the illness is seeping its way into your subconscious & limiting what even your mind believes is possible. As children, we dream easily of flying through the air, leaping to the moon, running as fast as the wind. As adults, dreams become more realistic, with the occasional superhuman twist.

When I was paralyzed in May, I used to dream about walking. Sometimes I would even dream that I could run & would wake with my heart full of pounding and longing. Then, however, I dreamt that I could not walk & try as I did, I stumbled & fell on leaden legs. I was shattered the next day, for dreams are a last refuge from the boundaries of these four walls, these failing limbs.

But yesterday, I dreamt I could fly, float, leap, & flip like Jen Yu confronting Li Mu Bai among the trees. Ah, the sweet freedom of graceful actions…no aching limbs, no nerve pain, no stiffness, no stumbling feet. Not having to think about how to get from one room to the next, but simply desiring movement and appearing there instantaneously.

I lay awake relishing the sensation afterwards, replaying the motion. And I felt so blessed by that visit to my lost Manderley. To have brief respite from my new reality in dreams, is a mercy.

‘Then which of the Blessings of your Lord will you deny?’

Al-Qur’an, 55:13